Guilt undeserved
by Glossina
Summary: Carter suffers feelings of guilt when after having angry thoughts, tradgedy strikes, but Newkirk is there for him through it all.  This fic is rated K  for minor swearing and fighting.


Guilt undeserved.

I was going to make my story A brother's care a one shot fic but I decided to do some companion fics on the other men. This is Carter's story.

The outdoor recreation period was over for the day and the men of barracks two had settled themselves inside and were relaxing. They were on a rare break from any missions and were taking advantage of that fact.

Hogan stood near the table in the common room and watched the men (His boys he thought of them privately). Newkirk, Lebeau and Olson were all playing poker together while Kinch sat on his bunk and read a book. Hogan looked over at Carter and saw him sitting on his own bunk. His tongue was sticking out of the side of his mouth as he tried to thread a needle to sew up a hole in his sock.

The poker game was getting lively now and the men were arguing and laughing as they played. Kinch would look up from time to time and smile at the younger men's antics.

Just then, the door opened and Schultz came in.

"Colonel Hogan? May I speak with you?" Schultz asked nervously. He was holding his hands behind his back which automatically gained the men's attention.

"What ya got behind your back, Schultzie", Newkirk called out cheerily as he laid down his cards.

"It looks like envelopes", Kinch said as he rose from his bed and came to join the others at the table.

" It's mail", Lebeau cried out excitedly.

"Colonel Hoooogaaaaan", Schultz whined. "Please. This is what I was trying to avoid. Please, do not let the men rush me like they always do".

"Alright fellas", Hogan chuckled as the men started rising to their feet. "Settle down for once and don't trample poor Schultz. We might not get a goon that's so nice if they have to replace him".

"Goon?" Schultz said in an injured tone.

"I mean it in the nicest way", Hogan said in a patronizing tone as he patted the big, german guard on the shoulder. "Now why don't you just hand out the mail while the guys are still sitting down? That way, you'll have a little bit of a head start when you run out the door".

Schultz took one look at the barely restrained excitement on the men's faces and he simply threw the mail down onto the table and ran out the door.

"Bye, Schultz", Carter called out laughingly.

The men all lunged for the mail but Kinch quickly scooped up the letters and handed them to Hogan.

"Hey. That's not fair", Lebeau pouted.

"Quiet, or I'll make sure you get yours last", Kinch chuckled.

Lebeau pouted a little more but fell silent.

Hogan grinned and began passing out the letters.

Once the letters were all passed out, the men opened them and began reading, some of them reading outloud.

"Hey, my sister is feeling much better", Lebeau exclaimed happily.

"I knew things would turn out okay for you", Kinch murmured with a quiet smile.

"I 'ave sister news too", Newkirk declared as he held up his own letter. "Me sis finally found a job. Says she's gonna start sendin a care package to me now".

A cheer went up from the men and then they turned to look at Hogan. Hogan shrugged and his face reddened a little. "My mom's cat had kittens", he laughed. He looked away as he tucked the letter in his shirt pocket. His mother usually wrote about mundane stuff such as that, but to her imprisoned son, her letters were like gold, so starved was he for any news from home.

Kinch smiled and held up his own letter." My brother's getting married".

several men patted him on the back and congratulated him.

They looked over then when Olson let out a low whistle. "Wow!"

They crowded around, all of them exclaiming over the picture of Olson's girl friend.

"Carter? Mate. Come look at Olson's bird 'ere. She's a pretty one, she is", Newkirk crowed.

When he got no answer, Newkirk looked over to see Carter sitting on his bed, staring at his letter. His eyes had gone wide and his face had paled to the point that he looked like he'd faint.

"Carter?" Newkirk asked. "Is everything okay, mate?"

Everyone turned to look at Carter then as they realized that something was wrong.

Lebeau went to Carter's side and put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay, mon ami?" he asked gently. "Carter?" Lebeau persisted when he didn't get an answer.

Carter's head snapped up and he looked blankly at Lebeau.

"Are you okay?" Lebeau asked again.

"I'm fine. I'm okay", Carter muttered.

"You sure?" Lebeau asked worriedly.

"Yeah", Carter said brusquely. He stood up then, trying to move past Lebeau.

"You look kind of funny", Lebeau admitted.

"I said I'm fine", Carter snapped suddenly. "Now just leave me alone". Saying that, he pushed Lebeau out of the way and slammed out the door.

The others stared at the door in shock.

"Would somebody tell me what the hell just happened here?" Hogan growled.

"It was his letter, mon colonel", Lebeau said. "Something in it upset him".

Lebeau reached down and picked up the envelope. That was all that was there, as Carter had shoved the letter in his pocket as he exited the barracks. "It is from his father", Lebeau murmured, handing the envelope to Hogan.

Hogan studied the envelope for a minute and then laid it on the table.

He looked at Kinch and sighed. "You want to help me find him?" Hogan asked as he nodded out towards the compound.

Kinch nodded back. He had appointed himself big brother to these men, he had to make good on it now.

They departed the barracks, leaving Newkirk and Lebeau to wait and see if Carter returned.

Newkirk paced the floor for a bit and then stepped outside to have a smoke while Lebeau began cooking dinner.

Newkirk sat on the bench outside of the barracks and lit a cigarette.

A sudden noise across the compound drew Newkirk's attention. He looked up to see two men fighting. Fights weren't exactly uncommon here so Newkirk wasn't all that surprised at first. But when he realized who one of the men was, he jumped to his feet and went running over to put a stop to it.

Carter was swinging wildly at a man that was nearly twice his size. The other man, while not wanting to hurt Carter, was trying to defend himself.

"Carter!" Newkirk yelled as he tried to make himself heard over the noise of the fight. "Carter. Stop". Newkirk shoved his way in between the men and jerked his head towards barracks nine. "That one yours?" he asked.

Private Phillip Dodd nodded breathlessly. "Get to your barracks", Newkirk ordered as he grabbed hold of Carter's arm to keep him from going after Dodd again.

Once Dodd was gone, Newkirk turned a glare on Carter. "You've gone balmy, 'aven't you?" he growled. "Completely balmy".

Carter jerked his arm from Newkirk's grip and started to storm away. "Where do ya think you're going?" Newkirk asked angrily as he grabbed Carter's arm again.

"Back to the barracks", Carter snapped as he yanked his arm away again. Carter made his way back to barracks two, glaring at everyone he passed.

Newkirk stared after him for a minute, completely at a loss for words.

Carter had a head start on Newkirk and he entered the barracks first. It took Newkirk about a minute more to get there and when he did, he opened the door to see Lebeau staring angrily at Carter. Then, Lebeau slammed the lid down on the pot that he was cooking in and glared at Carter. "If you feel that way, then why don't you just cook dinner yourself?" he shouted. He stormed out the door then, leaving Carter and Newkirk alone.

"What the 'ell did you say to 'im to upset 'im like that?" Newkirk asked as he watched Lebeau leave.

Carter shrugged. "I just told him it smelled like the latrine in here", Carter said indifferently.

Newkirk's eyes widened. "It's a wonder 'e didn't take your bleedin 'ead off, mate".

Carter turned away, not bothering to answer.

Newkirk frowned. "What's eatin you?" he asked suddenly.

"Me?" Carter said. "Nothing's eating me".

"Something is", Newkirk said. "You ain't actin like yourself. Ya been gettin into fights and insulting your friends. So what is it?"

Carter froze suddenly and looked at Newkirk. "You think I'm an awful person. Don't you?"

Newkirk looked confused. "Why would I think that? Just cause you're 'avin a bad day?"

"No", Carter whispered in a horrified voice. "It's because I am an awful person. I'm the worst kind. I, I killed someone".

"Oh, Carter", Newkirk said softly. "Is that what this is about?"

Newkirk went over and rested his hands on Carter's shoulders. "We've all killed people, mate. We're at war. It's expected".

"I'm not talking about the war", Carter choked out. "I'm not talking about people fighting and dying in a war. I'm talking about Mary Jane. I killed her. She's dead and it's all my fault".

"Ya mean that little bird what wrote to you a while back? The one that wrote that Dear John letter to you?" Newkirk asked in surprise. "She died?"

Carter nodded. "My dad wrote to me and said that Mary Jane was in a car accident last month. It was right after she wrote that letter to me".

"Well, it was an accident", Newkirk reasoned. "You didn't kill her. Besides, even if it wasn't an accident, you 'ad nothin to do with it, mate. You've been 'ere with us all this time".

"But I did, I did", Carter sobbed suddenly as he sank down to sit on the nearest bed, his face buried in his hands. His shoulders shook and sobs came from him as his grief and guilt overwhelmed him. "I made it happen", he cried.

"How?" Newkirk asked gently as he sat beside Carter on the bed. "How could you make it 'appen?"

"When she wrote me that letter", Carter admitted. "I was really mad at first and all I could think was, Oh, yeah. Well, you can just drop dead then. And then she got into that accident and died".

Newkirk slid an arm around the younger man. "Ya didn't cause that, mate. It was an accident.

That's why they call it that. You were angry and I don't blame ya in the least. People say things when they're angry, things that they don't really mean. But even if you really did feel that way deep down in your 'eart, you didn't cause this. It would've 'appened no matter what you did or didn't say".

Carter looked up and dirrectly into Newkirk's eyes. He trusted the englishman with his life and trusted him to tell the truth. "You're sure it's not my fault?" he asked in a trembling voice.

Newkirk looked deep into Carter's eyes. "I'm a cheat and a thief and a lot of other things", Newkirk said softly. "But I'd never lie to you and especially not about something so important. No. It's not your fault".

Carter burst into tears then and allowed the guilt to be washed away and replaced by grief.

Hogan quietly opened the door to the barracks then and looked across the room. He saw Newkirk look up and smile slightly, his hand gently rubbing Carter's back while he cried.

Hogan nodded in understanding and went back out to give the two men some privacy. He didn't know what had happened with Carter but he knew that what ever it was, he was in good hands .


End file.
